Second in an occasional series

Of all the people who pass through the doors to a restaurant, a surprising number are incapable of answering the basic question, What do you want to eat? To eat out one must travel some distance, choose a specific restaurant, and be prepared to part with a not insignificant amount of cash. One might think that to make such an effort a person would be motivated by a more specific desire than just a vague hunger. That assumption is invalid. One might also think that by the time one is old enough to pay for a meal he would be sufficiently acquainted with his own likes and dislikes. This assumption is likewise invalid, for most people can’t remember what they like without asking their friends or spouses.

In the taxonomy of the indecisive, there are three species. I shall present them to you in increasing order of their ability to frustrate a waiter. The members of the first species usually ask the waiter to come back in a few more minutes while they decide. They pore over every page of the menu, reading the fine print and comparing quantities and prices. For some, this indecision is caused by their culinary taste—some like everything; others like nothing. The indecision of others is attributable to frugality—the desire to find the absolute best deal on the menu, or off the menu if it can be achieved with a bewildering array of substitutions. This species is generally harmless, however, for they release the waiter to go about his other duties while they agonize over their decisions.

More malignant is the second species. When the waiter asks a member of this species if he is ready to order, he is absolutely certain that he is ready. The waiter obligingly takes out his notebook and pen, and waits poised for an order that never comes. Instead, the customer insists that waiter hang on his every word while he scans the menu again. Never mind that two tables of new customers have just been seated, that an order is waiting in the kitchen to be brought out, and that a family just come from a baseball game is dying of thirst—no, this customer has declared that he is ready and all other business must cease while he ponders his decision. For some such customers, indecision is caused by illiteracy. They cannot read the menu, or at least cannot be bothered to read the menu, and so they require their waiter to read the menu out loud to them. Such customers would do well to order from the pictures.

If the second species seeks to monopolize the waiter’s service once, the third species seeks to monopolize his service all the time. Such customers at first mask their indecision by ordering quickly and confidently. Yet let a few minutes pass and their culinary whims will shift. The waiter must rush to the kitchen, cancel their order, and enter a new one. When their second (or third) choice is brought to the table, they will kindly ask for a condiment. When the condiment is obligingly brought to them, they will remember that they actually wanted something different to drink. By the time the drink is on the table, they will have realized that they simply cannot enjoy their entree without some specific side item. By the time the side item is prepared and brought to the table, their entree has grown cold, and must be heated. All this time the waiter has resolutely walked past a half dozen other tables, each of which has legitimate and overdue demands on his attention. But he must pay them no heed (and they will pay the waiter no tips) in order to cater to the latest decision from the indecisive.