Ambrose Bierce defined perseverance as “the lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.” Because the term mediocrity could well apply to us, Scott and I determined that perseverance was indeed the virtue missing in our previous failed adventures. This weekend, Scott and I determined to make not one but two attempts at “inglorious success” as we embarked on The Continuing Adventures of Scott and Lincoln.

Night One: Playing Ping-Pong in the Edward’s Activity Room

Last night, Scott and Kellen and I grabbed our ping-pong ball from last semester and headed for the Social Parlor. (Note: The Social Parlor is no longer to be called the Social Parlor. It is now to be called the “Edward’s Activity Room.” I make the distinction for the sake of accuracy, but the distinction does not affect the narrative.) We figured that if there were only two of us, then while we were playing girls could not approach us and we could not approach girls. But if there were three of us, the one not playing could watch the . . . game, of course. The first game was Kellen vs. me, leaving Scott to serve as our ball-boy. Kellen and I played furiously as we hurled Homeric poetry at one another. The goal was to hit the ball into crowded groups of single females who had assembled in the Edward’s Activity Room to meet single males who might happen to hit them with Ping-Pong balls, so that Scott could retrieve the ball and at the same time introduce himself. Unfortunately, the only free table was sufficiently far from the crowded groups of single females that the best efforts that Kellen and I put forth provided Scott with introductions only to crowded group of single males assembled to meet single females who might happen to hit them with Ping-Pong balls.

Next Scott and Kellen played Ping-Pong. Ping-Pong, that is, but only by a postmodern definition. Thinking that our purpose was to hit the ball anywhere rather than specifically at crowded groups of single females, they gradually made the net and table irrelevant to their game so that the only vague notions of “Scott’s side [of the room]” and “Kellen’s side [of the room]” governed their play. Their method did introduce Scott to a young man playing with a young lady at the adjacent table. If the young man had not been forced to be on his best behavior since he was on a date, a squished Ping-Pong ball would have ended the adventure for the night, but as it was, the dating couple merely moved over a couple of tables at the earliest opportunity. Scott and Kellen’s method procured me no introductions whatsoever.

About the time when Scott and Kellen’s postmodernism had taken them well past existential angst and into Derrida-like despair, Anna Beth walked in to save us. Here is what was supposed to happen: Anna Beth was to walk up and join Kellen; Kellen and Anna Beth were to go to the Snack Shop together. Some other ladies in the room were supposed to take their cue from Anna Beth, walk up and join Scott and me; Scott, some other ladies, and I were to walk to the Snack Shop together. Here is what actually happened: Anna Beth walked up and joined Kellen; Kellen and Anna Beth went to the Snack Shop together. Scott and I waited expectantly. Scott and I walked to the Snack Shop together.

Night One Continued: Getting Advice from Anna Beth

Our Ping-Pong plans having failed, Scott and I were fairly disheartened as we entered the Snack Shop. (Note: It appears that it is still acceptable to call the Snack Shop the Snack Shop.) But I did take the chance to ask Anna Beth for a bit of advice in case I ever do take someone besides Scott to the Snack Shop. I have a predilection for peach ice cream, but I have been concerned that ordering peach ice cream if I were with someone other than Scott would be a bad idea. Peach seems like such a feminine flavor that, well, it wouldn’t be a good idea. I asked Anna Beth what she would think if, hypothetically speaking (Forgive me, Kellen.), she and I were on a date and I ordered peach ice cream. She reassured me by saying that peach ice cream wouldn’t make her think any less of me. So I now know that it is acceptable to order peach ice cream on a date. Scott, on the other hand, now knows not to order a strawberry milkshake on a date because his came only half-stirred. Of course, we would both be willing to give up peach ice cream and strawberry milkshakes, given the opportunity.

Night Two: Ping-Pong in the Edward’s Activity Room

Remembering Ambrose Bierce’s promise that perseverance is the ticket to success for mediocrities like us, Scott and I headed back to the Social Parlor. (Excuse me; back to the Edward’s Activity Room.) That’s right, Scott and I are regulars now. We figured that we had little success last night because the girls assumed that two guys like us must already be taken. Showing up two nights in row made it clear that we’re still available, but probably not for long.

Tonight, Scott and I sent Kellen and Anna Beth out first on a softening-up mission. Though associating with Kellen was unlikely to help us out much, associating with so virtuous a lady as Anna Beth doubtless was a seal of approval on our eligibility. We joined them about an hour later. A rousing game of doubles ended with Scott and me victorious over Kellen and Anna Beth, a victory all the more remarkable since Kellen and Anna Beth are closer than Scott and I. (Don’t get me wrong; Scott and I are tight, but the difference should be apparent.) Our side did have an advantage: When Scott got tight halfway through, I rubbed out the tension; Kellen was prohibited from helping his partner. After our victory, Scott and I were hoping that two ladies would think to themselves, “There’s a guy I wouldn’t mind playing doubles with,” so we hung around for awhile, but . . . You’ve been reading this series long enough to know where I’m going. Don’t make me spell out the details.

Perseverance wasn’t all that appealing any longer, but persevere we did, all the way to the Snack Shop. It took Scott at lot longer to get coffee than it took me to get ice cream, so I had to wait for him for quite awhile. While I was waiting I sat at a table by myself, not feeling adventurous.